The Scarlet Stamp

It’s been a time since I wanted to post about my personal view of Anorexia Nervosa.

It’s necessary to say I’m not pro-eating disorders, furthermore, if you think you can recover, go for it, it’s admirable.

Anorexia comes from Greek ανορεξία (anoreksia) αν-: absence of ορεξίs: apetite. It’s an eating disorder characterised by abnormal absence of apetite due to physic causes or psichological causes, usually depression, which can get very serious.

OK, here the definition is. Anorexia is NOT absence of apetite, in fact, anorexic people is always hungry (since they eat as little as possible) to the point where they’d either starve to death or binge. As a sufferer, I shall include myself. We tend to deny ourselves we’re hungry, so that we trick our brains any possible way (I smoke, drink coke zero, chew gums…). Why do we live like this? Well, I must say slimming down is not our only one purpose, it comes later, when you’re sick enough to have a distorted image of ourselves.
Based on personal experience, anorexia is about wanting to escape the real world, to forget, it’s about fear, it’s about secrets and, agreeing to this definition, it’s about depression.
Imagination plays a big role. You maximize problems, yes. All I’m going to say which may sounds “pro-EDs” is that it’s a way to “protect” yourself. One’s trying to forget about emotional pain, how? with physical pain. You obsess about body image, but it isn’t the point. I think what’s actually addictive in anorexia is that ‘numb’ feeling, the feeling of not being here, of being out of your body… a ‘gone’ feeling. I mean, due to the lack of food, you get to think you’re… away. Yes, away from your own skin, away from your own problems. That person you see is no longer you, you’re… free? As I said, it’s about forgetting, and it’s about imagination.
If one’s away from itself, those problems are left behind. Those belong to that ‘physical’ image, and what do you think you are? Pure thought. Then, if it’s no longer you, why bother making that image suffer? Well, that ‘person’ made you suffer, and in my opinion, it’s in human nature the need of revenge. You want to made that body disappear, it has to die, it’s bad, it’s harming, it hurt you. A way of dying is starving.
I once talked to a girl, shall we call her Helena (not real name). She said she was Helena, but she had a different name for her body, she called it Rose, as if it was someone different. And Rose was Helena’s foe.
What we don’t actually understand is that if body dies, we die with it. It’s still part of ourselves and problems of that ‘another yourself’ are still part of you as well.
It’s a complex sickness, and well, it may explains that obsession with being thin (I clarify, not being thin, but disappear). That’s why it’s so hard to overcome, you have to reconcile with your body, with real world and with ‘dark’ side of you.
Then, the key clue to be sane again is forgiveness. But I think anorexia’s shadow will always fly over your life. The feeling I talked about before: numbness and also, control. You control something in a world where you control nothing, it’s power. But it’s insane.
I hope I could explain it as good as possible. Note that it’s based on personal experience, so I understand there are people who disagree.
I haven’t talked about media because I don’t think they’re at fault, furthermore, they’re trying to change women’s ideal image.